Limericks page 1: other pages are...

Catalan Catalan, who lives down by the coast
Can keep down almost nothing but toast.
He can be splenetic
As well as ascetic
But it's MattF that he hates the most.

Some days he gets drunks as a lord
And insults us right across the board
But sometimes he repents
And tries to see sense
And looks for some kind of accord

A message I would like to send
Since I regard him as a friend
Try not to get drunk
As a newt or a skunk
And there'll be a happier end.
Nigel Short A Grandmaster called Nigel thought
"If opponents don't show then you ought
To win, don't you see
But if you don't agree
Then my stay, like my name, will be short!"

An arbiter, Furness, replied
"I am burning and fiery inside
To hell with your FIDE
I'm running things my way
If you don't like it – tough – you decide!"
When he plays the Kazoo it's sublime
At scrabble here's a guy in his prime
He's King of the quizzes
And his chess it fizzes
And he's a RIOT the rest of the time
There once was a girl named Lazal
Looks and beauty she just has it all
To sit next to this miss
And steal one little kiss
Across the wide ocean I'd crawl
There once was a man name pawnriot
Of his willie he always was quiet
To me he once said
It's really too red
Perhaps I should simply just dye it
There once was a player named hughsie
Whose girlfriend was really a floozie
He unzipped his pants
She gave it a glance
And said my oh my that's a doozey
There once was a man named samod
Who some held to be quite a clod
He's certainly not
He's as good as we've got
He's just really a jolly old sod
That budding young poet Catdude
Was never intentionally rude
He was everyone's pal
Especially Lazal
But he won't get to see her nude
The lovely Patat, from SA
Graces ICC 'most every day
She loves a good braai
With potatoes to fry
And lots of good chess games to play
There was a young man called spacechess
Whose brain was a bit of a mess
He's constantly rootin'
For Vladimir Putin
His origins you'll easily guess
There is an odd German called Pille
Whose tells always tend to be silly
Some say "What a nerve"!
Others claim he's a perv
I'd rather watch Father Ted Crilly
Glassywoman, whose real name is Cohen
Only rarely on 67's showin'
Great stained glass she's painted
But, now we're acquainted
She's a friend that I'll always be knowin'
Our dear Herby, who lives in West Yorks
Is worth hearing whenever he talks
He loves a long run
Through rain, snow or sun
But he works with a real bunch of dorks
Only one person writes limericks these days
Holts mild is the name he says
Almost everyones been done
Oh what a whole load of fun
The only problem is with what it pays montybrogan
There was a young guy called spacechess
Who used his (C) to impress
He had never been shown
How to play on his own
So his chess was a bit of a mess!
Queenbabs lives in glorious Devon
A county that's virtually heaven.
While she and her feller
Invade hughsie's wine cellar
Let's all gatecrash with some Party Seven ! holtmild
There is a Fylde Coast man, Barusa
Who's frequently seen in the boozer
Though some think him effete
If a chav he should meet
He's actually a bit of a bruiser
There was a young man called 'TheBish'
Who went outside for a pish
The wind was so strong
That it blew back on his dong
And now he's as wet as a fish
There once was a man names grunts
Who wore polka dot Y-Fronts
Just these and no more
He sat on the floor
Of Ladbrokes and placed a few punts